My Friend Wants to Buy a Gun. What Should I Say?

How to navigate difficult conversations when fear drives safety considerations.

I have been getting this question a lot lately – “What do I say to my friend/family member/colleague who tells me they want to buy a gun because they don’t feel safe right now with what’s happening in this country?”

In these situations, the individual who wants to buy the gun isn’t usually someone steeped in gun culture. Often, they are people who once rejected, didn’t feel comfortable with, or never contemplated the idea of gun ownership, but now feel that their world has shifted, and their personal safety, and maybe that of their family, has been compromised. The moment we’re living in has people feeling unsettled in ways that are not always easy to articulate.

Since 2020 and the unrest amid the pandemic, gun owners have increasingly become more diverse, including more people of color, women, LGBTQ+ people, and self-identified liberals. Recent events, including the fatal shootings of Alex Pretti and Renee Good by federal agents in Minnesota (events that led to in-state gun sales increasing by nearly 10 percent) are a reminder that foundational systems in America – from healthcare to housing to the legal system – are not designed to keep everyone safe, and leave systemically marginalized communities vulnerable.

The Architects of Fear

This shift isn’t happening in isolation. For many, it is a direct response to a political climate loaded with violent rhetoric, civil unrest, and a feeling that our institutions are crumbling. Some Americans now question if the rules that they thought protected them still do. And this pervasive feeling is leading many to consider purchasing a gun for the first time because of a perception that it enhances personal safety.

The gun industry has spent decades and billions of dollars on marketing designed to convince us that our safety can only be secured with a firearm. Guns have never been more accessible, or fear more amplified. These are key components that drive gun sales.

When fear shows up persistently, as psychologists will tell you, our brains almost immediately seek control. We want a tangible way to feel safe again. Polling by Brady and the Ad Council found that nearly 80 percent of people who had recently bought their first firearm did so for personal safety and often a conviction to protect their family and loved ones. But the reality, of course, is that firearms in the home pose far greater safety risks than benefits.

As you speak to friends and loved ones, or perhaps even contemplate purchasing a firearm yourself, here are some ideas for how to approach the conversation and things to consider:

Navigating the Conversation

First, start this conversation with care. Acknowledge and discuss the kinds of fear that may be driving this consideration. Don’t lead with judgment, but with openness and a discussion of the personal factors driving the decision. Ask what’s making them feel unsafe, and then actually listen and attempt to understand. If you skip this step and jump immediately into lecture mode, the conversation will likely be over before it has even begun.

Focus on your shared values. You both want safety. You both want to protect the people you care about. Ground the conversation there before moving into anything else.

These conversations can feel high-stakes. Here are a few ways they might actually unfold:

When fear is driving the decision

Friend: “I just don’t feel safe anymore. I think I’m going to buy a gun.”

You: “That makes sense. A lot feels uncertain right now. What’s been making you feel the most unsafe?”

(Let them answer)

You: “I hear you. I want you to feel safe too. Can we talk through what having a gun would actually look like day to day? Not just the moment you’re worried about, but everything that comes with having a gun?

When they say it’s about protecting their family

Friend: “I just want something to protect my family.”

You: “I get that. That instinct is real. One thing I’ve learned is that owning a gun doesn’t automatically translate into greater safety. A lot of harm can actually happen inside the home if there is a gun present. Have you thought about what risks might look like for your family specifically, and what steps you might take to minimize those?”

When they’re minimizing the responsibility

Friend: “I’ll just keep it for emergencies.”

You: “Understandable, that’s the reason that most people buy guns. The hard part is that owning a gun isn’t just about emergencies; it’s about the daily responsibilities that come with it, too. Storage, access, training, and who else is around. What would your plan be for keeping it secure when you’re not using it?”

When the conversation starts to turn into a debate

Friend: “Well, it’s my right”

You: “Of course. I’m not questioning that. I just care about you and want to make sure you’re thinking through all the implications, not just the fear you’re experiencing.”

Questions that Can Help Guide the Conversation

You don’t need to ask all of these. Think of them as entry points depending on where the conversation goes:

• Are you legally able to purchase a firearm? Is anyone in your household legally prohibited from having a gun?

• What steps will you take to protect children and other individuals in the home, such as those living with dementia, memory loss, impaired judgement, a mental health crisis, suicidality, addiction, or PTSD?

• What type of secure storage device will you use: cable lock, trigger lock, lock box, carrying case, gun safe, gun cabinet, or off-site storage? (You can encourage folks to take the personal secure firearm storage assessment at endfamilyfire.org to find the best fit for them and their household.)

• Does your state require training or licensing to legally possess a firearm? What type of training will you do to ensure you know how to properly handle, load, fire, store, and clean your firearm?

• How would you prepare yourself to de-escalate a situation and ensure that using a firearm is a last resort?

• What situation exactly are you trying to prepare for? Are there other ways to prepare for it and still ensure your family’s safety? Have you considered other effective options, such as non-lethal tools and community building?

The point is not to interrogate or even dissuade. It’s to help someone think more fully about a decision that may be made in a moment of fear.

After gun sales spiked amid COVID, we launched PSAs raising awareness about how bringing firearms into the home comes with the added safety risk of misuse and unintended access, including by children. It is vital to practtice secure firearm storage to reduce those risks.

If You Want to Ground Yourself in the Facts

If you’re having this conversation, it can help to understand what the data actually shows:

• Studies show that firearms in the home have minimal safety benefits, but instead come with safety risks. Defensive gun use is rare, other types of harm are much more common.

• Those living in homes with a gun are twice as likely to die by homicide.

• Guns in the home substantially increase the risk of suicide, unintentional injury, and homicide.

• Homicides perpetrated by strangers (such as a break-in) are far less common than violence perpetrated by a victim’s partner or family member.

• Guns are a leading item stolen in and a focus of residential burglaries, according to Department of Justice (DOJ) and Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms (ATF) data.

• If crime levels are the primary concern, know that we are on track to have the lowest rates of violent crime in an entire century.

• Kids often find guns when adults believe they will not. On average, eight kids a day are unintentionally injured or killed with an unsecured gun from the home. It only takes a single instance of forgetting to secure a firearm for tragedy to occur.

• Access to a firearm triples the risk of suicide. Research shows that the time between deciding to act and attempting suicide can be as short as five minutes. Removing firearm access provides time for a change of heart or to get help.

• Men are three times more likely and women are seven times more likely to die by suicide if they have access to a firearm.

Where We Go Next

In the spirit of saving time and relationships, don’t debate this topic on social media. Don’t turn this into a morality or political debate. It’s not uncommon for someone to be entirely correct on the facts and still fail to reach their intended audience.

Once you understand where your friend or loved one is coming from, you can discuss these other critical elements with curiosity and care.

Buying a gun is not a one-time transaction; it’s the start of a long-term commitment. It requires a certain type of vigilance and responsibility. When we talk about safety, we have to talk about everyone inside the home, not just the perceived threat outside of it.

The gun industry constantly focuses on the right to buy a firearm, but rarely talks about the responsibility of owning one. Secure storage should be the absolute minimum, and if your loved one is dealing with a mental health or other serious crisis, temporarily removing the firearm from the home is the safest solution. (Our Pause to Heal PSA campaign with the Ad Council educates people about this option.) You can also talk with them about plans for off-site storage when the option is needed. There are even many firearms dealers nationwide who offer voluntary off-site storage, often with no questions asked.

We protect our families best when we refuse to let fear override our reason. We protect them by building community, safely securing our firearms, and ensuring that the next tragedy isn’t found sitting in your own nightstand.

These conversations may be uncomfortable, but they may save a life. Learn more at endfamilyfire.org.